I haven’t a clue 

Who am I fooling? I don’t have any enlightenment to share. I don’t have a happy story to spread around. I don’t have it figured out. I am lost and scared and angry and wounded. 

I write about failing my daughter who struggles with issues not caused by me. I write about finding inspiration to keep trying to keep giving to keep on going. 

I feel those things … I think. Or am I just supposed to feel those things? Who knows. I go through a lot of motions. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not hopeless. I have faith and I believe and I know that this is not all there is to life. But the here and now is hard. It’s hard knowing what the right thing to do is. Not just for the sick one, but for the healthy three as well. 

My youngest lost her mother the day I married my husband. His daughter and mine are 11 months apart. If my SD was a typical child, it would have been great. She is not typical. So my daughter has learned to fend for herself. She has lived the last four years with a bully. And I did that to her. 

I read a blog post earlier today, I Hate Adoption and it told me everything I had feared for my children. I don’t want my children growing up hating their SSister. I don’t want them growing up with PTSD and needing therapy. 

So when we took my SD to residential treatment, yes I felt like a failure. It was not what I wanted to do … for her! But for the rest of my children, is it the best thing I could have done? 

We know my SD is happy where she is. She does not miss us. She is getting testing done that no one has bothered with before. I do not believe I could have done what needed to be done for her with a sick husband and three other children; without ruining their lives. 

So what do I do? How do I take care of everyone’s needs? I trust that their is a higher being who loves them all and will be there for them as they grow and His spirit will help them. That is what I teach them to rely on  and have faith in. And one day in the near future none of this will matter. So as I lay my head on my pillow and I say my prayers for my lovelies, I also pray for myself. I ask God to help me be what they need me to be. 

This is not where I intended this post to go. I got way off. All apologies … 

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