Meeting with my daughters therapist is therapy for myself it seems. She is analyzing me as a mom of a daughter with RAD. In doing so she is making me look deep inside MY heart and MY love for my daughter. Making me question not only my ability but my desire to do what it takes to help her heal.
I want to say that I have what it takes. That I want to help her because I love her so deeply and unconditionally. That’s the thing with these kids though. They are at times unlovable. I don’t feel like a wicked step mother saying that. I have read biological mothers say the same thing about there sick biological children. But I do love her. Somewhere in the deepest shadows of my heart, I know I love her. I can’t give up. I can’t write her off as a waste of time and energy. So I fight for her. I fight my in-laws to do what I know is fit for her. I sacrifice my time and my energy and yes … A piece of my heart to love her. Unrequited love it seems at times. But I truly feel that she can heal.
She is at a disadvantage not having two healthy parents. She has three older sisters that I attempt to keep healthy in all this disfunction. She has extended family that doesn’t understand the severity of her illness. Extended family that fights against dad and me in our efforts to raise her; and my own kids for that matter.
So there comes a time when we need to think about our own mental health. What’s best for my children is for me to be healthy and happy. I can’t be healthy and happy being criticized and judged for everything I do wrong or right. It’s time to rid myself of negative people.
It’s time for me to realize I may have a case of codependency. My daughters inpatient therapist told me I do. A good good friend who suffered many years with a sick husband told me I do. So now starts my journey to, not only help my daughter, but also to help myself heal.
It may be a long journey. But it’s one I want to make for my children.